I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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