Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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