she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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