Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
