i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
