I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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