my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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