I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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