i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
