I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
