Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
