hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
