You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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