So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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