The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
