i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
