eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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