DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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