FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
