i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
