In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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