Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
