If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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