clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
