Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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