OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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