Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
