Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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