Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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