i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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