Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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