Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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