im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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