her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
