No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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