dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
