Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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