I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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