6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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