I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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