You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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