The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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