I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
