are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
