My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
