TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
