Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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