I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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