I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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