mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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