Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
