My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
