I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
