Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All I want is dick and wine.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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