I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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